


Trials & Tribulations

by Catchinglikekerosene



Series: Universe 1: Canon Divergent [3]
Category: Open Heart (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Slow Burn, Workplace Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catchinglikekerosene/pseuds/Catchinglikekerosene
Summary: Dr. Rebecca Lao has just spent an amazing weekend with Dr. Ethan Ramsey, but with the trial behind them and both returning to Edenbrook how will they handle the aftermath of their actions?
Relationships: Bryce Lahela/Main Character (Open Heart), Bryce Lahela/Original Female Character(s), Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart), Ethan Ramsey/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Universe 1: Canon Divergent [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137878
Kudos: 24





	1. Afterwards

When the morning light woke Dr. Rebecca Lao, she was still wrapped in Dr. Ethan Ramsey’s arms. Her head resting on his bare chest listening to the steady beating of his heart. Ethan’s arm was draped around her naked form, keeping her close. He’d been awake for the last hour, a side effect of years of early hospital mornings, and had spent it gazing up at the blank ceiling and lightly caressing the soft and delicate skin of the woman beside him. 

Rebecca’s sleepy doe brown eyes turned to meet his bright blues. “I thought you said you couldn’t spend the night?” she asked. 

Just hours before he told her multiple times he wouldn’t stay, he needed to leave before her roommates realized he was here. While they were just two people last night, Ethan and Rebecca would be back to square one, attending and intern in two hours. They silently agreed that this last indulgence was what they wanted after a year of flirting and stolen moments, they wanted so desperately to give in one last time. To memorize the others taste, the way their skin ignited and a deep unexplainable yearning in their respective core. 

Rebecca was confused but elated to wake up to her favorite diagnostician for the second time that weekend and quite possibly the last.  _ Hopefully not _ . Ethan and Becca both knew they couldn’t pursue a public romantic relationship. Their job wouldn’t allow it while she was still in her residency. He wouldn’t jeopardize her career - her  _ future _ by being it’s catalyst. 

“I… found myself convinced otherwise.” One look at the beautiful and brilliant woman who weaseled her way into his heart and Ethan was breathless, a lopsided grin plastered across his face. He wouldn’t let himself admit it but Becca made him truly happy. 

Becca reluctantly pushed herself up and began untangling herself from his comforting embrace. 

“No,” Ethan disagreed, pulling her back into him. “Not yet. When we get up, it’s over.” 

Becca swallowed the newly formed lump in her throat. She didn’t want this to be over, she  _ never  _ wanted this to be over. Rebecca Carolina Lao is wholeheartedly Ethan Jonah Ramsey’s, circumstance be damned. 

_ ‘Why can’t we just try? We’ve had the most amazing weekend together,’  _ Becca thought. 

She nestled into him for one last moment, trying desperately to remember him. Becca breathed in deeply to remember his scent of oakwood and violet leaves. She wrapped her arms around him to remember how his bare and chiseled torso felt under her soft skin, the way the electric current of her touch gave him goosebumps under his arms. She listened to his even breathing and the rhythm of his heart, and how in this moment it was beating just a tad quicker than five minutes ago. She needed to remember everything about him. Everything about this complication-free weekend. 

After a few blissful moments she spoke, “I’ve gotta sneak you out of here before my roommates wake up.” 

Regretfully Ethan loosened his hold on her and the two quickly and quietly shimmied back into their clothes. On opposite sides of her bedroom now fully clothed they stared at each other, holding their breath as reality started to sink in. Ethan closed the gap between them in a swift motion, lacing his hand in hers and pressing one final kiss to her supple lips. The kiss tender and trying to convey just how much he cares about her. If this was how they ended there would be worse ways to go. 

As they were tiptoeing out of Becca’s room hand in hand they were startled by Elijah and Sienna sitting at the table for breakfast. 

_ Shit.  _

Suddenly their hands were on fire and Ethan immediately let go. Everyone froze, unsure of what to say.

_ ‘Shit. Shit. Shit. This is the worst thing that could happen. I’m never going to live this down,’  _ Ethan cursed himself. 

“Good morning, Dr. Trinh. Dr. Greene,” Ethan acknowledged, making a beeline for the door. 

Becca blushed with deep embarrassment, but somehow pleased with herself. _I have been sleeping with_ **The** _Ethan Ramsey_. 

She walked Ethan out to his car where she gave him a farewell kiss on the cheek. 

***

Later that morning on her first day back at Edenbrook after suspension she met up with the other residents for a special announcement in the atrium. While looking around the large hall, she passed by Ethan sulking in a corner as usual. With the sweet memories of yesterday floating in her mind nothing could dampen her mood. As she passed him she shot Ethan the brightest smile she had while he hesitated before acknowledging her. 

A simple nod and “Dr. Lao” was all he could muster given their familiar... dynamics. 

And in less time than a snap of a finger she was back to being Dr. Lao the intern and him Dr. Ramsey, her attending. She nodded back, her heart unsettled. 

_ Surely we can work through this. We’ve been successfully working together all year. He’s seen me naked for Christ’s sake!  _

Becca weaved through the crowd finding her friends Jackie, Bryce and Sienna positioned front and center.  _ No one _ could have predicted the events that would unfold over the next fifteen minutes. Surgeon extraordinaire, Dr. Harper Emery announced that she will be stepping down as Chief of Medicine to be back in the OR as Head of Surgery, while her successor would be none other than famed diagnostician Dr. Naveen Banerji, the man whose life Becca saved only a few days prior and Ethan’s mentor. 

“I will be leaving my diagnostics team in the capable hands of Dr. Ramsey,” Naveen congratulated his dear friend with a round of applause. 

Becca looked over to Ethan. His face was flush, he looked like a volcano that was about to explode. He was angry at Naveen for leaving the team and becoming an administrator, a fate worse than death according to Dr. Ramsey. Ethan stood there shell-shocked as Naveen and Harper turned away to continue about their days now the meeting was over. Becca could see Ethan’s eyes darken, his shoulders squared and his left hand balled into a fits. He was about to lose it. She excused herself from her friends making a beeline to console her mentor. 

Just as she reached him Naveen looked back at the two of them with a small smirk. Pointing to Becca, a mischievous gleam in his eyes he spoke.

“Dr. Lao will be joining the team with  _ you _ ,” he was speaking to Ethan “as her.. Direct supervisor.” Becca turns to Ethan where both of their jaws were on the floor trying to gage his reaction.

_ What does this mean?  _

The non-couple made some incoherent remarks to Naveen to which the older diagnostician just reassured the pair they would make a wonderful team. They stood a little further apart, minds racing a mile a minute while they watched Naveen pridefully walk away. 

“So, um.. How do we deal with this?” Becca asked. 

“We make it work,” Ethan responded after a second too long. “What matters is the patients, right?” 

Becca’s face fell ever so slightly, “Right.”

He hesitated, scratching the back of his neck. “Well then... get to work, Rookie.”

“Yes, Doctor.” 

  
  


***

Ethan made his way to Naveen’s new office.  _ Chief of Medicine _ , he never thought this would happen. They both spent the past decade irking and avoiding the administration while finding a way to keep the diagnostics team non-profit - a way for anyone to get the care they need regardless of insurance policy. 

Ethan barged into his friend's swanky new office, slamming the door behind him. Naveen was placing files away in his over-sized cabinet. Without a word, even before the slam of the door he knew his friend was present - he could feel Ethan’s anger from down the hall. 

Looking up at the betrayal in Ethan’s heated expression, Naveen couldn’t help but smile at the childlike behavior. After all they have been through this past decade, his young friend still hasn’t changed. 

“I’m very pleased for you,” Naveen shined bright. 

Ever since he looked death in the face and contemplated all his life's success and shortcomings, Naveen Banerji wanted Ethan Ramsey to find happiness. And Naveen was convinced he surely found it in the eyes of Rebecca Lao. He deduced as much while watching the two work together; their careful interactions on his case and their inevitable friendship blossoming. Naveen recalled the countless times he pushed Ethan to ask her on a date. There wasn’t much the old diagnostician could do on his deathbed but watch the appreciative glances between the two and the way they relaxed in each other's presence. The way their eyes twinkled when the other was near. He swore the electric current between them is what kept him alive for so long - their affection fueling his lifeblood. It was obvious there was something between the two - that something had happened. They shared his secret and other’s Naveen was dying to know. Now, something had happened before the hearing he was sure of it, however Ethan would never tell. His young friend certainly wouldn’t admit to anything else. As always, Ethan was the last one to acknowledge his feelings. Naveen’s heart fluttered before in the incoherent explanation he received from the pair, when Ethan insinuated that “we…” could only mean they were dating.  _ Finally _ . 

“Yeah…” Ethan sighed. “I didn’t think you’d give up so soon.” 

Dr. Ethan Ramsey was hurt. Torn between wanting to fulfill his dream of leading the nationally renowned Diagnostics Team and seeing his mentor move on. Naveen was the only constant, a father-figure in his life and this career shift felt like an abandonment of a different kind. 

Naveen perched on the front of his desk, beckoning for his companion to take a seat. “We both know you’ve been steering the ship for a while now. But that’s not what I’m talking about.” A devilish and warm grin took hold on his features, “All I can say is _ finally _ .” 

Ethan did not want to give the man the satisfaction of knowing he was right about him and Becca. Though he knew he would have to throw the man a bone to get him to drop the subject. 

He rolled his eyes, “We’re figuring out the new dynamics.” 

“ _ Excellent _ ,” There was an unapologetic joy conveyed in Naveen’s dark brown eyes. “And with her on the team it’ll be unstoppable. There won’t be a case the two of you can’t solve. I’m so thrilled!” In this moment Naveen had never felt more like a proud father. His makeshift son had fallen in love with one of the most amazing women of her generation. He was  _ happy _ . “The two of you should come to the cabin this weekend to celebrate.”

“Naveen, we’re not -” Ethan took a moment to choose his words wisely. 

“Not what?” 

“We’re not... dating.”

“No?” Naveen asked incredulously, crossing his arms over his chest. If this past weekend and their close galavanting under the cover of Naveen’s diagnosis was any indication, they were definitely more than just friends. 

All Ethan offered as an explanation was, “It’s new.”

“You two have been attached at the hip for months,” Naveen noted after letting out a long and disappointed sigh. He put his hand on his friend's shoulder, “Just give in, Ethan. Save yourself some heartbreak,” he continued nonchalantly, “Let yourself feel. Let yourself be  _ happy _ .” 

Ethan stood up, shaking his head at the most pressing annoyance, “I need to process this betrayal.” 

Naveen chuckled.  _ That boy has a one-track mind…  _

“Don’t be afraid of change, my boy.” Naveen called as Ethan left the office. 

  
  



	2. The Next 4 Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The four days following Ethan and Becca's return to Edenbrook are a trying time. Neither really knows what to do with the sudden realization that their complicated relationship just became a little more... complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've decided to make this a full on series! the events and feelings of whats to come is heavily inspired by lany's album 'malibu nights'. 
> 
> as always i am not a medical professional.

Dr. Lao and Dr. Ramsey tried to work together. The rest of that first day back at Edenbrook was awkward to say the least. Ethan avoided the interns at all cost. He couldn’t look Dr. Elijah Greene and Dr. Sienna Trinh in the eye since they caught him sneaking out of their apartment that morning. He knew he shouldn’t have succumbed to his impulses by entertaining another romantic tryst with Dr. Lao especially in her home. That was the line he didn’t want to cross - keeping their escapades to themselves was one sacred thing, but now half of her household knew about them.  _ Was there even a ‘them’?  _

He didn’t know how much they knew and that scared him.  _ Enough to infer the last few evenings at least _ . This was the first reason they couldn’t be together. The interns would  _ know _ . They would see him in a new light and know they could never compare to Becca in his eyes, an unfavorable advantage for her. 

He had a soft spot for her and anyone who paid close enough attention to their interactions could see that. If it became public knowledge that they were… intimate previously or even dating in the near future, they would be ruined -  _ she _ would lose the career and credibility she worked so hard for. To settle with the disconcerning feeling Ethan hid up in his new office, a perk of being the newly appointed Director of Diagnostics, reading and rereading files to keep himself busy. 

On the other hand, Becca kept resisting the urge to see him. Since starting her journey at Edenbrook not a day went by that she hadn’t seen or spoken to Dr. Ramsey about their respective cases in the last year. She valued his opinion and input that has helped shape her into the self-assured doctor she is today. She also had to keep making mental notes to stop herself from daydreaming of grabbing his hand to reassure him that they were in this together, caressing his cheek while looking into his captivating eyes, and pressing her ear on his chest to listen to his heartbeat. She knew she couldn’t do any of these things, not anymore. They’d crossed that fine line and they needed to talk this out.  _ What are we going to do? We need a confirmed front.  _ She craved to see him but never seemed to have a free minute to stalk him out. 

Staying distant was slightly easier than expected. Senior attendings were pulling Becca left and right, imparting their knowledge on the bright intern. Everyone wanted to mold her, to be part of her grooming as a brilliant doctor and the youngest fellow in the history of the diagnostics team. She couldn’t wait to tell Ethan about all the new things she’s seen today. But he didn’t show for their daily coffee break at the cafe around the corner.

Halfway through her 30-minute coffee break, Becca sent him a text. 

**Becca:** **_Coming for coffee?_ **

Instantly he responded, 

**Ethan:** **_I can’t._ **

***

On the second day, Ethan was meant to lead rounds. Once Dr. Ines Delarosa informed him of the addition to his growing schedule the hot headed attending hastily made his way to Chief Banerji’s office. 

Lucky for Dr. Ramsey the door was wide open and his mentor sat happily at his desk. 

“Naveen, I don’t have time for this today,” Ethan blurted out, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I have my own patients and have things to settle since you’ve passed the proverbial torch.” Ethan’s words were laced with malice and contempt from the complete disregard for his personal wishes and schedule. 

“I understand you would rather not spend so much time downstairs with... the interns, while you figure things out,” Looking at his mentee with a bright smile, Naveen wiggled his eyebrows in full acknowledgement of what actually lay beneath this outburst. “But it’s part of the job, my friend. It is your _ job _ to teach,” he reminded. “Are you sure you aren’t just avoiding a certain doctor?” 

Ethan didn’t speak for a few seconds. His mind went through all the possible scenarios of the day and how we would never give in to Naveen’s suspicions. “Fine,” he said begrudgingly. 

Naveen’s smile radiated, “Hup to it. Rounds start in 5.”   
  


Dr. Ramsey and Dr. Lao danced around each other all day. Becca tried to keep to the back of the group, far away from Ethan at the helm. If she was close by she’d be able to feel the heat radiating off of him and now that she knows what he feels like she wouldn’t be able to keep her hands to herself. At least not yet - it’s a work in progress. 

Two hours into the shift, Becca diagnosed a pulmonary embolism by herself in under ten minutes - he was  _ so _ incredibly proud of her. Ethan wanted to grab her in the hall in a celebratory hug and whisper how much she means to him, how in awe he is of her brilliance. How she’s the best person he’s ever known.

Ethan’s impulse took control and just as he approached her Dr. Ramsey realized what he was doing and stopped dead in his tracks, no more than three footfalls away from her form. Seeing him so close through her peripheral vision, Becca turned away from the chart in her hand and smiled up at him. She had no idea why he was this close or what came over her, but it was Ethan. He could make her smile in the darkest of times. 

“Fancy seeing you here,” she tried to joke, making light of the fact they’ve been avoiding each other’s proximity.

Dr. Ramsey didn’t know what to say, or really what the ‘Ethan’ part of his brain hoped to accomplish in seeking her out. He finally mustered out, “Well done, Rookie.” 

“Thank you, Dr. Ramsey,” she beamed. “Care to celebrate my accomplishments with a fantastic Italian roast?” 

A small smirk pulled at Ethan’s lips before the stern doctor took over, “Don’t let it go to your head.” 

“That a no?” The hope that made home in her features quietly drained. This was the second time he missed a coffee break.  _ What’s wrong?  _

Instead of answering he nodded and didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day. 

_ So much for making things work…  _

Ethan was ignoring her, that much was true. To be honest Becca was distancing herself from him as well, the new imminent dynamics looming in the distance. They needed to figure out a way to work together, knowing what they did. Knowing how they _ feel _ . But this was coffee. Coffee was work. Coffee break was where they spoke about cases and how they could help one another. They spoke about work and anything on their mind. But was there no coffee if there was no secret case, no notable puzzle on the line?  _ Were coffee dates conditionally tied to Naveen Banerji’s health?  _

  
  
  


That evening after a long, contemplative shower Becca made her way to the kitchen for a midnight snack and found Sienna in dimmed lighting, sitting at the table with 2 mugs of tea. Sienna made a motion for her friend to take a seat. 

“Spill!” the tiny doctor nearly shouted as she handed Becca the chamomile. 

Realization washed over Becca. She was being forced to talk about what they encountered yesterday morning. The memory of her two roommates catching Ethan do the walk of shame almost a distant memory. Out of everything that happened the past four days that one detail didn’t stick. Of course Rebecca wanted to tell her best friend what had happened between her and the man that holds all her affection, but she knew that they could only exist in the comfort of solitude. The more people knew of their workplace romance, the less likely Ethan would be to pursue a secret relationship or continue their advances. 

The best thing to do was play coy. “Spill what?” 

“You and Ramsey - oh my god!” Sienna had a huge knowing smirk plastered across her face. It didn’t matter who Becca brought home, what mattered is that she was happy. If she was happy with sexy Dr. Terminator, then lucky Sienna for getting to know more about them as a unit outside of the hospital. 

Becca felt a pain of guilt in her chest. Looking down at the warmth between her palms she muttered, “Yeah… sorry about that.” She never meant for Ethan to get caught, maybe it would have been easier to go back to his place. No roommates, no walks of shame, just the two of them living in their little bubble for as long as possible. 

“Don’t apologize to me!” Sienna placed a hand on Becca’s arm and wiggled her eyebrows, “Just give me all the NSFW details.”

“I don-” 

Sensing her friend’s defense Sienna changed the line of questioning, “When did this start?” 

“Um… I don’t really know.” That was the truth. Becca didn’t know when this all started. Was it Miami when they gave in on the balcony? Was there a time before then that Ethan saw her as more than an annoying intern? Or was this all predetermined from the moment she picked up and devoured his first book back in high school? 

“How do you not know! When did you start sleeping with Dr. Ramsey?” Sienna clarified. 

“Oh!” That was an easy answer. A simplified explanation to the overarching questions at hand “Uh… after the country club. It wasn’t planned, I asked him to testify for me but Harper told him he couldn’t because he’s biased.” 

There was a long pause. 

Sienna started placing the pieces together, “Biased… and then you slept together... Oh my god he’s in love with you!”

Becca rolled her eyes. There’s a small part of her that wished he was in love with her. But she knew better, she knew  _ him _ . “He’s not in love with me. Lust maybe. But definitely not love. Ethan doesn’t even  _ like _ people let alone has the ability to love anyone.” 

Sienna took a long sip of tea, “And yet he was sneaking out of your bedroom.”

“You encouraged me to bring him home!” 

“I didn’t know the full story!” Sienna exclaimed. “If I knew you guys had history I never would have joked about it.” 

“It’s not history, it was just a weekend,” Becca noted matter of factly before her voice got smaller, “An incredible weekend. I want to live in that weekend the rest of my life.” 

“But you can’t?” To Sienna it was as simple as day; Ramsey had feelings for Becca and she definitely had feelings for him. Why wouldn’t they explore their feelings? They certainly wouldn’t be the first attending-intern relationship at Edenbrook and they certainly wouldn’t be the last. Hell, Sienna could name at least 3 other couples at the hospital who started with the same dynamics. 

“We can’t,” Becca affirmed. “We agreed it’s for the best that we stay professional.” 

Becca was fiddling with the handle of the mug. It was clear she didn't believe the words. Maybe she did at the time, but here and now a day later she was full of regrets. 

“What does your heart say?” 

Becca shrugged, “Doesn’t matter what I want.” 

They moved to Becca’s bedroom so she could continue to tell Sienna the full story of the past weekend in private. From the moment Ethan pinned her against his counter, to coming back the next day to wake him up to perform phange therapy on Dr. Banerji, and to their final moments together here in this bedroom. Becca was glad her friend let her reminisce in the moments that have come to mean so much to her. 

***

On the third day, Rebecca had only seen Ethan a total of three times since the atrium announcement and only properly spoken to him once in length about a patient. Other than that the man had been a ghost. 

In a spare moment during lunch she walked with determination to his office. Even before he impulsively quit they hadn’t spent this much time apart. Becca knew their new dynamics were fragile and one wrong word could shatter months of progress. But she missed him. She missed working with him. She missed the small glances, the feeling of their skin brushed against each other and the puzzle of decoding his expressions. 

_ Ethan is going to speak with me one way or another. I’m going to be on his team in less than 3 months.  _

Ethan was sitting at his desk, comparing a file to pages in two medical journals. Becca shut the door behind her and made her way to sit down in one of the two empty chairs in front of his desk, waiting for his acknowledgement of her. 

He never spoke. 

“Are you ignoring me?” she huffed. 

Still looking at the work in front of him Ethan challenged, “So you didn’t come here to soak in my greatness?” Becca rolled her eyes but appreciated his playful chide. He wasn’t lost to her just yet. 

“Osmosis doesn’t work that way,” she saw the small smile break his stern demeanor. “What are you doing later?” 

“This, most likely.” 

Peeking over she asked, “Do you need help?” 

“No,” he set the file in his hand down. “Just research for my next book.” 

She raised an eyebrow, “How to be a colossal pain in the ass?” 

He finally looked at her. “That’s the title of  _ your _ book.” His smile was evident and genuine, travelling up to his bright blue eyes. Becca’s chest fluttered,  _ It’s been too long since I’ve seen that smile.  _

Ethan sat across from her trying to decode the explanation for her intrusion. He let himself indulge in her doe eyes taking in his features, a secret hiding behind the surface. Her hair was pulled back into a neat little bun, but he knew the day was still young and the strands would start cascading around her rounded face shortly. He thought about the scrubs she was in -  _ No _ .  _ Stop undressing her with your eyes _ . To push the leude thought away, Ethan thought about how she’d be wearing her white coat in a few weeks and how proud of her he was. 

In their momentary silence she moved to the edge of her seat and perched her elbows on his desk. 

“Do…” she hesitated. This was a reach but they have been through too much to not ask, especially when he’s looking at her that way, “you want to get dinner?” 

Ethan tried to keep the shock from reaching his features.  _ This was a bold move.  _ “Do you think that’s a good idea given… everything?” 

Did Ethan Ramsey think it was a good idea? Absolutely not. If they were alone for more than a brief moment who knows what they could say, what they could  _ do _ . 

“I think we both need to eat,” she asserted the fact “And… we’re not on the same team. Yet.”  _ 67 days to be exact.  _

He let a small chuckle leave his lips. _Of course she exploits the loophole_. “My place?” It was phrased like a question but they both knew they couldn’t be caught eating at a restaurant, nor did they want a repeat of the other morning. 

“You cooking?” she challenged. 

“Lets order in.” 

“I’m off at 8,” She hopped out of the chair, her infectious smile creeping over to him.  _ It’s a date _ . 

  
  


Ethan left the hospital 30 minutes early to pick up dinner and make sure his apartment was in a decent state. He hadn’t spent much time there since returning to Edenbrook and probably needed to pick up some more wine. 

At 8:15pm he had takeout from Alessandro’s waiting for her on the kitchen counter bar. Ethan debated setting up at the dining table he barely used and playing a record for a buffering distraction but that was too intimate. This wasn’t a date. This  _ couldn’t  _ be a date. 

‘ _ We’re colleagues who sometimes eat meals together,’ _ he rationalized. 

Becca turned up right on time. She had changed out of her scrubs and into a carefully picked outfit - flirty casual as she put it once she told Sienna her plan to coax him into a dinner date. Ethan always looked great and Becca’s punctuality only gave him enough time to lose the tie and roll up the sleeves of his white button down. 

They sat at his island with a glass of wine in hand and plates of pasta in front. They chatted about their day and Becca helped herself to the cheesy garlic bread he knew she loved but he said was a heart attack waiting to happen. They enjoyed each other's company before his pager buzzed on the other side of the kitchen. He excused himself to call the night shift attending. 

Not that she was trying to eavesdrop, but Ethan did only walk to the other side of the open plan living room to make the call. “Can Hirata take it?... How serious?... Do a full workup. I'll be there in 15.” 

Ethan’s face fell. 

“Hospital?” Becca asked, mirroring his disappointment. 

“A patient relapsed. No one’s answering their phones,” he sighed. “I’m sorry.” Now he was in motion, starting to get his things together. It was going to be a long night. 

“It’s ok.” she told him. Becca wanted to say she’d go with him and help but knew it’d be suspicious for them to show up together, especially for a patient that wasn’t even hers. She placed her glass back on the table, reaching for his fork and picking up a large scoop of lasagna from his plate. “Just eat something, please.” 

He leaned in, accepting the one last bite she was holding up for him, and involuntarily kissed her forehead after. Neither one of them had time to retract and reflect on what he’d just done. It felt all too natural. 

Becca started packing up the leftovers, making sure to have a container set aside for Ethan to take with him. They moved around each other in a mostly comfortable silence. 

“Do you want me to wait up or…?” she meekly asked. The kiss settled in and gave her a bold insinuation that they were more than they were planning to be. 

Ethan realized she was asking to stay the night and cursed that rational man who said, “You should probably go home.” If they were going to keep things professional he’d have to be the strong one. “I don’t know how long I’ll be.” 

“Oh, okay. Let me clean up for you at least.” She began to move around his kitchen, seeking to load the dishwasher. Her familiarity warmed Ethan’s heart; that only after a few times she knew where everything was. 

_ This could be her home too…  _ The thought scared the living shit out of him. 

“Don’t worry. The housekeeper will do it in the morning.” Tanja was the nanny of one of the families in the building who helped him with Jenner and the apartment when he’d spent too much time at the hospital. All he had to do was text her and she’d take care of him. 

They left everything behind hastily, Becca scooping up her things and the leftover portion for him to take. They stood near each other in the middle of the elevator while Ethan called her a car. Neither of them knew how to cut through the awkward silence. Ethan muttered another apology as he put her in the cab before heading down to his sedan in the garage. 

It was at that moment that Ethan realized they couldn’t keep this up. He would always put the hospital first. He could never put her or  _ them _ above his patients. If they were together there would be so many more disappointing nights ahead of them like this one. Ethan was not a man capable of romantic relationships. 

Snuggled in her bed, Becca waited up to hear from him, hoping everything was okay. And if it wasn’t she’d run straight to the hospital to help out. While the evening didn’t pan out the way she planned, her heart was happy to know that he still enjoyed her. They enjoyed each other’s company regardless of circumstance. 

At 1AM she texted him, 

**Becca:** **_All ok?_ **

**Ethan:** **_Stable. We’re monitoring overnight._ **

She wanted to call him. She knew he loathed texting and there were so many questions about the patient and so many other things she wanted to discuss with him that evening. As her finger hovered the button he added “ **_Get some sleep_ ** ”. 

Her heart sank a bit, but knew he was right. It was late and she was on the early shift tomorrow. 

**Becca:** **_You too x_ **

***

  
  


On day four Ethan received an email that would change the course of his life and hopefully give him some clarity. A welcomed change. 

With the new opportunity staring him in the face, he thought back to their dinner last night and how work beckoned him away abruptly. They couldn’t be together.  _ It wasn’t in the cards for them. _

Ethan spun around in his chair weighing his options.  _ If I stay things will fall apart, if I go there’s a chance. We can reset.  _

After staring at the blank ceiling of his office, hoping to find some sort of deeper truth he made up his mind. Ethan marched to the Chief of Medicine’s office with a handful of fresh printed papers to sign. 

  
  
  
  


“South America? Ethan, be reasonable,” Naveen pleaded after hearing the proposal. 

Ethan loomed over his mentor’s desk, arms folded across his chest. “I am being reasonable. I made a commitment and I’m following through.” 

“Two months? Ethan, you just got back” Naveen hoped continuously saying his name would bring his friend back from his delusion. 

While the older doctor was proud of his mentee for wanting to partake in the grueling mission of battling an epidemic in the Amazon with the W.H.O he knew this was extremely out of character for Ethan. In the last decade Ethan had never expressed interest in using his talents to help third world nations on the frontline.  _ Something _ was wrong. Also the logistics of offering a sabbatical to a newly re-hired doctor would also be a nightmare for the Chief and Board. 

“You can sign the papers or I can quit again,” Ethan huffed. 

“You wouldn’t leave me here all on my own,” Naveen smirked as he called his friends bluff. 

“Naveen, please,” Ethan begged. His determined expression softened, his eyes falling from his friend to the floor. 

“Not until you tell me why,” Naveen said. He motioned to the seat across from him. 

Ethan took his place and began to explain his rationale, “I applied when I quit. Completely forgot about it.” He made it seem like it was an obligation, like a meeting he had to attend. 

Naveen’s eyes were intently watching his friends movements and expressions, trying to diagnose the problem. 

Ethan continued in a small voice, “I need to get away before this all starts for real. I need more time to process and reevaluate.” This was too much for Ethan all at once. Before the announcement on the ride home from Becca’s apartment he thought about how they could pursue a semblance of a relationship while maintaining a senior attending and resident workplace friendship. Now, in two months time, their dynamics have been shifted to superior and subordinate - red flags flying everywhere. On top of breaking his own heart he was responsible for the most prestigious diagnostics team in the United States, and creating another book proposal. Ethan needed a break. 

_ Ah _ , a lightbulb clicked for Naveen,  _ That’s what this is really about.  _

Naveen couldn’t keep the smile from his lips. “My advice would be to speak about it,” he responded knowingly. 

“It’s unethical,” Ethan was quick to retort. “And I’m not going to ruin her career - overshadow everything she could be!” His voice hitched at the end and his ears now hot with frustration. “I need more time.” 

“Talk to her,” Naveen urged. “You two can work this out. And if work is a problem, I can assure you it won’t be.” 

“If we… are involved, all the industry will see her as is my subordinate. They won’t take her or her accomplishments seriously. She’s better off without me.” 

“She’s a big girl,” Naveen reminded. “Let her make her own decisions.” 

Ethan sat up straighter, jaw tight, “And I can make  _ my _ own decisions. I’ve decided to take a sabbatical with the W.H.O. in the Amazon.” 

“Fine. I will sign the paperwork,” exasperated Naveen gave in. “When do you leave?” 

“Monday. But I will be taking the next four days off to prepare. My last day is tomorrow.” Ethan knew Becca’s day off is tomorrow and purposefully planned it so he wouldn’t have to face her. He was ashamed of his cowardice as is. Having her beg him to stay would be too much.  _ No, she wouldn’t keep him from this. She’s too good a person for that. _ She’d demand to know why he was leaving and tell him to keep in touch. It’s the ‘touch’ part that put him in this position in the first place. 

“So soon…” A visible frown set on the older doctors features. “Are you going to say goodbye?” 

Standing up and smoothing the wrinkles from his trousers Ethan responded, “I will inform the team today.” 

Naveen didn’t press the subject. Ethan’s deflection told him all he needed to know. 

As Ethan started to exit Naveen called out, “One condition.” 

Rolling his eyes he asked, “Yes?” 

The frown was replaced with a mischievous smirk, “You will read and summarize the hospital's policy on workplace romances. In my email before you come back. At least 300 words.” 

“Be reasonable,” Ethan scolded. 

“That is all I ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr link: https://catchinglikekerosene.tumblr.com/post/619824666291421184/trials-tribulations-ch-2


	3. It All Falls Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever been so out of touch with your emotions that you constantly make certain choices? Yeah… That’s what Becca’s doing. 
> 
> This chapter features Becca x Bryce and Becca x Rafael.

Becca felt light on her feet after her much needed day off. The last few days have been a lot to take in and she needed some time to decompress - to put her newfound priorities in order. First, there was the new job - the diagnostics fellowship in addition to her duties as a second year resident. It would be a lot of hard work, _hell_ it's technically two different job positions. She knew Naveen wouldn't have given her this opportunity if he didn't believe in her, and for that she was eternally grateful. At least she'd have Ethan to help guide her through the transition from intern to esteemed fellow. _Ethan_. What was she going to do about Ethan? 

She sat in the secluded park around the corner from her apartment complex soaking in the sun's rays with her toes nestled in the lush green grass, musing of how she wanted to handle this new obstacle; 

> _Everything happened so fast - I understand why he's hesitant. I get why he kept stopping all those times, but he finally gave in. We finally crossed the line -_ more _than once in the last week. And it was the best sex I've ever had._
> 
> _I know the risks…_
> 
> _I now know what it feels like to have him and oh my_ god _I’ve been to heaven and there ain’t no way I’m coming back down._
> 
> _Dating would be a privilege… We have so much to offer one another… Why can’t he see that?_
> 
> _Okay. Let's do a pro and con list:_
> 
> _Pros: He's such a sweet and exciting person to be around, he may drive me up the wall with his morals and ethics but I love the challenge. I love his mind._
> 
> _Con: He keeps me at arms length. I don't think he'll ever let me know the real him as long as we work together. He's also my mentor and eventual direct boss. That's an HR scandal waiting to happen... Or is it?_
> 
> _Pros: He's my friend, right? We have fun together, there's never a lack of conversation. We work together closely so work could never really get in the way... Whatever I'm working on he's working on, essentially... He has the most beautiful eyes... and the cutest crows feet that makes an appearance when he gives a genuine smile, that one smile that I know not just anybody gets to see... He's strong, physically and emotionally - I wish I had even an ounce of his control. The world melts away when I'm in his arms. Everything about him sends shivers up my spine, my skin tingles and butterflies take up residency in my stomach. He's so important to me. I can't lose him. I cannot lose him to decorum and politics._
> 
> _Con: He's Ethan. I'll never truly know what's going on in that brilliant mind of his._

She knew she wanted to pursue and explore their feelings further. No amount of cons could ever change her course; her heart had decided way before her head could intervene. She couldn't wait to speak with him now that she herself had some clarity. 

Chief Banerji gathered the residents in the atrium for a special announcement. Becca looked around at her friends seeing if anyone knew what this was about. She’d only had one day off. What could have happened in the last 36 hours? 

Naveen stood at the top of the stairs so he could see all the bright eyed residents in front of him. 

“Thank you all for your continued hard work; I’ll make this quick. I just want to let everyone know that Dr. Ramsey has taken an amazing opportunity to work with The World Health Organization fighting the horrid outbreak in the Amazon. We are very proud and welcome his return in two months. For the time being I will be overseeing the diagnostics team once again. Should you need anything, please come find me.” 

_What?_

_What just happened?_

Naveen delivered the heart-shattering news so swiftly and full of pride that Becca couldn’t wrap her head around what this meant. 

_The Amazon?_

_WHO?_

_2 months?_

It was a lot to unpack. Becca stood in the middle of the mumbling crowd stunned. 

“Hey, you okay?” 

Sienna's soft voice and delicate hand on her friend’s shoulder brought Becca out of her reverie. 

“Uh, yeah..?” Becca wasn't sure the magnitude of the situation had set in yet. The announcement was a simple statement. A courtesy notice to the team about an esteemed teacher’s sabbatical. The news shouldn’t hurt her as much as it did. It’s as if the air had left her lungs and she was now stranded on a raft in the middle of the sound, her life line cut loose and now in the motherfucking Amazon. 

Sienna raised her brow. 

“What just happened?” Becca said mostly to herself as the crowd dissipated. 

It set in. 

Ethan left and he didn’t say goodbye. He wasn’t going to a conference for a weekend on the other side of the country. He was going for two months, to another continent in the middle of a health crisis. He was here one minute and the next a phantom haunting her every thought. Becca’s mind began racing a mile a minute.

 _I can’t believe this. He said we’d make it work. Why didn’t he tell me he applied? Why didn’t he tell me he was leaving? Aren’t we friends? Am I stupid for thinking we’re something more? I had to find out he’s gone for two months at assembly. Utter bullshit._

The rage settled as quickly as it arrived, a temporary dark spot before true concern and anguish could wash over her. 

Sienna grabbed onto her friend, guiding the two girls back to the locker room in hopes to speak more freely in private. 

“Did you know?” Sienna asked as soon as they were away from gossiping ears. 

Becca bit back, “Does it look like he said anything?” 

Sienna gave her close friend a once over. The light usually hiding behind her features was drained, replaced with a cast of who she was only minutes ago. Her makeup once pristine and smooth now looked cakey and cracked with her worry. Becca wasn’t standing up straight and sure like usual, her shoulders were slumped and her hands fiddling with her fingers as she avoided eye contact. 

“He’ll be fine!” the small doctor reassured, wrapping her arm around Becca. “I’m sure once he gets down there he’ll scare the outbreak into extinction.” 

All Becca could muster was the one word plaguing her mind, “Why...?”

“Text him? If you don’t ask you’ll never know.” 

Becca sighed, “Yeah, maybe I will.” 

Sienna’s pager went off letting her know she was needed upstairs. She gave her friend a reassuring hug before sauntering off. 

There were so many things on Becca’s mind. The one and only reoccurring thought was ‘Why’. _We could have talked about this, everything would have been okay. Now who knows what? I sure as hell don’t_. 

Amid their new awkwardness Becca was really looking forward to seeing him again. It had been four days since their interrupted date in his apartment and she missed him - she craved his presence. Just being in the same room as Ethan Ramsey gave her a sense of peace she never knew existed. It didn’t matter how rigid he seemed to be to the outside world. She knew who he was at his core and that unsure little marshmallow is the man she missed. Dr. Ramsey 10 months ago could escape to the Amazon with no questions asked, but Ethan today should have respected their relationship enough to tell her. _Whether he likes it or not we’re friends. Friends support each other. Friends say goodbye._

She grabbed her phone out of her locker and texted him with shaky fingers. 

Becca: **_Good luck in the Amazon! Were you going to say goodbye?_**

Hopefully he could infer the sarcastic nature. Her thumbs hovered over the keyboard egging her to tell him her true feelings. Bobbing her head side to side she debated telling him everything she was feeling in that moment - from the despair deep in her heart to the preemptive rage at being left behind. Alas she couldn’t find the right words to encompass everything that needed to be said. 

Now wasn’t the time to drown in her anguish, she’ll save that for his response. 

***

Later that day during her lunch break Becca speed walked to her locker to check her phone, hoping for a saving grace. Even if it was just two simple letters she would be at peace knowing he was alive and safe. Becca would never admit it, but she spent a good portion of her morning devising the perfect comeback for any lame excuse Ethan could give, making sure to let him know exactly how badly he fucked up. Pleased with herself and the venomous words ready on the tip of her tongue, Becca unlocked the screen. 

No response. 

_He’s probably busy…_

She dared to call. Ethan hates texting after all. 

6 rings. No answer. 

She cancelled the call once his voicemail picked up.

 _What time is it in Brazil?_

She shoved her phone back into her locker. Her breaths began to pick up and her heart raced a few beats faster. Panic began to set in. Becca tried to calm herself, taking solace in all the things he said when they were cloaked in the darkness of his apartment that first night together. All those promises that they would fight the unknown together. That they were tired of holding back. That this was one risk worth taking. And the kisses, _so_ many kisses full of trust. 

_He promised. He promised we’d make this work. What the_ fuck _is going on._

For Becca the day went by in a haze. She gave her patients the attention they needed but couldn’t quite wrap her head around Ethan’s departure. Every corridor she walked down brought her mind back to him. Every case file she read he was there over her shoulder. Ethan _was_ her Edenbrook. _Why would he leave?_ Ethan Ramsey despises minor inconveniences. Living in a jungle will be full of inconveniences. He also hates people. Why is he going to trap himself with strange and possibly egocentric doctors? Is he going through a midlife crisis? Naveen is fine, alive and thriving, he has the career of his dreams and he has someone who cares about him deeply. _Nothing is adding up_. 

  
  


After what seemed to be the longest shift of her career, Dr. Rebecca Lao stood waiting for the third floor elevator massaging the headache forming in her temples. 

“Becks!” Bryce called from the end of the corridor. He quickly jogged over to her. His infectious and warm smile softened a bit when he took in the state of his best friend. “What’s got you in a tizzy?” 

“Long day,” Becca huffed, not looking at him. 

Moving to stand directly in front of her, Bryce returned her hands to her sides so he could hold her face in his expert hold. “Turn that frown upside down. You’re too pretty for frown lines,” he began to joke as he hoped to coax a smile from her, “And too young for botox.”

Becca continued to look at the floor. Bryce pushed some of the hair from her face and massaged her temples with his thumbs. 

“Bryce…” she tried to scold him. She was not in the mood for playful chides, or anything really. 

The elevator arrived with a subtle ding. Bryce draped his arm over her slumped shoulders leading them into the carriage. “C’mon lets go drink our problems away.”

Becca and Bryce sat at a small and secluded table at the back of Donohue’s. They made polite chatter over the first round of beers and the 2 shots Bryce insisted she’d take to push her worries away. He knew his friend and there was something about today that upset her. As far as he knew all of her patients were happy and healthy, so what happened? He tried to get her to open up but in true Becca-fashion she’d turn the table back on him. Bryce noticed her eyes kept wandering every few minutes, pulling her away from the here and now. He could never have imagined they were darting over to the door and fixated on _his_ stool at the bar. 

Becca found herself wishing, ‘ _Maybe he hasn’t left yet… Just one last drink to calm the nerves...’_

So badly she wanted him to walk through those doors like he’d done nearly every day before. The constant itch in the back of her mind wouldn’t let her escape these plaguing thoughts - She needed to know why he left and why he was ignoring her messages. 

Bryce finally cut through the tension of her thoughts. “What’s on your mind?” he asked. 

“It’s nothing,” Becca forced a sad little smile to reassure her friend. She couldn’t talk about it. She didn’t _want_ to talk about it. Talking about it to anyone besides Sienna felt like breaking Ethan’s trust, and she couldn’t give him any more reason to push her away. _But he did push me away._ “Just need to persevere.” 

_Stop thinking. Just be in the moment._

Bryce gave her one of his signature mega-watt smiles, “I’m more than happy to provide a healthy dose of serotonin.” 

“Thank you, Bry, really.” Becca picked at the label of her beer instead of meeting his eyes. 

“Darts?” he asked, sensing her need for a distraction. 

They downed their second beers and reminisced about the first time they played darts together all those months ago. Back when they made a friendly wager in front of the other surgical interns in the early days of their residency. She wagered her bar tab and he gambled a kiss. How Bryce stood behind her, lining up the first shot and whispering directions in her ear. Back before she knew she was absolutely terrible at darts. Of course Bryce won. They were nostalgic about how he swooped in, dipping her back in his strong arms to make the kiss a show for the whooping crowd. Becca couldn’t remember exactly what it felt like to kiss Bryce. All she could remember is the adrenaline coursing through her system in that moment and her silent vow to beat him next time. Back when she was unknowingly available to him, back before she fell into the chaos of loving Ethan Ramsey. 

This time there was no wager. There were no ulterior motives. They were just two people killing time, one knowingly avoiding their feelings. 

“How can you still be so terrible a year later? Didn’t you learn your lesson?” Bryce laughed as he watched her first shot miss the board completely. 

“Maybe the hundredth times the charm?” she genuinely joked back. 

Bryce chuckled and stood behind her lining her up for success, just like old times. She pressed herself into him, mimicking his form and getting a waft of musky vanilla that was so distinctly Bryce. How wonderful life would be if she could have loved Bryce first. This whole year would have been easier if she just had feelings for Bryce. It’s not him, in no way is this a reflection on his tender soul. It’s her. Bryce is amazing; the perfect concoction of brain and brawn, confidence and light - a person that made life worth living. However, Becca never did things the easy way; she is a complex human who craves a challenge. 

Bryce’s left hand placed itself delicately on her hip while his right hand guided her arm to hold the dart. She took it between her thumb and pointer finger. Bryce held her so close, close enough to smell the first notes of her perfume still lingering on the nape of her neck. He counted down, his voice just above a whisper in her ear, 

“One… Two… Three…” they let go and it landed on the outer ring. 

“Not bad.” he said with his signature smile. 

Becca rolled her eyes. It was a cop out, they both knew she was still so awful at this game. 

They switched finger placements, their close bodies only allowing for the one small adjustment. Bryce’s heat still on her back, holding her gingerly in place. He held the next dart between his thumb, middle and pointer fingers. Becca’s own fingers lightly shadowed his, her forearm pressed up against him so she could feel the twitch of every muscle in his sculpted arm. 

He counted down once more, “One… Two… Three…” 

The dart landed just shy of the bullseye. 

Becca’s mouth hung open for a moment before asking, “How are you so good at this?” 

It didn’t make sense. They stood in the same position and had the same darts, and yet she was way off base. Bryce on the other hand was near perfection. 

Bryce’s hand fell from her hip as he took a step back and shrugged, “I’m good with my hands.” 

“So I hear,” Becca turned to face him and winked, as she took another sip from her third beer of the evening. 

  
***  
  


What seemed to be all too soon Reggie made last-call. The evening with Bryce nearly made her forget her woes and Becca could not be left alone with her thoughts, not now - not today. She hasn’t made peace with her feelings yet. To be completely honest, she’s not quite sure how she feels. There’s a part of Becca that’s undeniably heartbroken, another part that’s pissed, and the third part that’s deeply concerned for him. _Things could have been better._ But why did she care so deeply about a man that so consistently kept her at arms length? 

“I don’t want to go home yet,” Becca said as she finished the final swig. 

“Where do you want to go, Becks?” 

“Anywhere but home,” she responded simply. 

Home was where she last had him. The ghost of an unresolved past and hopeful future lurking in the air. 

An elated and mischievous smile graced Bryce’s thin lips, “I know a place.” 

He took her to a hill looking out over the bay. The stars twinkling above and the lighthouse illuminating the calm water. They were the only two souls out there together, laying in the grass and staring out at the endless darkened sky. Their shoulders pressed up against one another in the warm soil. Neither needed to speak, their relationship surpassed awkward silences. 

Twenty minutes later Bryce spoke. 

“Ok, I need my beauty sleep. Can I take you home?” he asked. 

She raised an eyebrow. She knew Bryce’s reputation of exuding the persona of a ‘player’ but he never seemed to cross the barriers placed by their friendship. Bryce was truly a good friend. 

“Either mine or yours. Doesn’t matter as long as I get my six hours,” he winked. Bryce stood up reaching both hands out for her. Becca grabbed them, letting him pull her petite frame up with ease.

“I’ll go home,” she smiled and brushed the earth off her jeans with one hand. “Thank you for everything.” Becca closed the short distance between them, her left hand still in his and pecked his cheek. 

He gave her a sweet and uncomplicated smile before they walked arm and arm to the subway station. 

Once back at home the apartment was silent, all her friends were peacefully asleep at just after midnight. Becca tried so hard to sleep but the thoughts of the day kept racing faster and faster. Every surface in her bedroom reminded her of _him_. This room was the last remnant of the carefully curated bubble of what she had wanted for so long. The sadness overwhelmed her. 

_He doesn’t want me. Not as a lover and not as a friend. What is wrong with me? Really, what did I do to piss him off so much? What did I do to make him run away?_

So she pulled out her phone to message another wandering heart.

Becca: **_Does Superman ever take a day off?_ **

Rafael: **_What’s up, Bec?_ **

Becca: **_Wanna come over?_ **

Rafael: **_I’ll be there in 30._ **

A few minutes later than expected, Becca tiptoed to her apartment door in her pajamas - a thin oversized cardigan, tank top and lace hipster panties. She opened the door and made a motion for him to be quiet until they went to her room. Rafael dutifully followed her as quietly as his clunky work boots allowed. 

“You okay?” he asked once they were safely shielded from disturbing the others. 

Becca stood dangerously close to Raf, letting her cardigan fall gracefully down her shoulders. “I hope to be more than ok shortly.” 

She watched his adam's apple bob as his eyes bore into her. “Anything I can do to help?” 

“Kiss me.” 

Rafael rubbed his thumb over her expectant lips, searching for something he couldn’t quite comprehend. Becca took a step closer and as if on cue he closed the remaining distance between them. His free hand pushing the cardigan fully to the floor. 

Becca found that she could let herself push her unresolved feelings away and focus on the boy here in front of her. She also found that even enveloped in the cautious embrace of someone else she couldn’t shake _him_. She tried so hard not to compare Rafael to Ethan - The difference in Rafael’s soft chiseled chest and the way he kisses her, wary and determined. Raf and Becca had slept together before, way before Ethan, in the on-call room earlier in the year. He wanted to make her happy in that moment as well - he always just wanted the people around him to be happy and safe. But that occasion was hasty and uncalculated where this was slow and tasked. Becca needed a distraction to hyperfocus on, and what better way than to ignite an old flame? 

They stripped each other down in the middle of her room. Her hands roaming his body while his stayed firm atop her hips, his mouth igniting the sparks of pleasure they both needed to hear. He moved them on top of her unkempt bed sheets, working his way down her body. His warmth felt amazing but she needed more. Becca pulled him back up to her, kissing him with all she had. His plump lips could not have been softer and his taste was a sweetness she forgot existed. They were tangled up in the bed when Raf broke the kiss, looking down at the woman below him. 

He whispered unsurely for the first time in minutes, “Do you have..? I didn’t bring anything…” 

She extended as far as she could without breaking their embrace to open her bedside table’s drawer. 

He could see the red box peeking on top and reached to grab it. 

“Always prepared” he smiled. 

The bitter thought of why she bought the unopened box earlier in the week came forward. She kissed Raf to wish it away, to wish the pain away. Rafael obliged, giving her all he had to offer. 

Roughly two hours later when sleep still hadn’t taken over even with the extreme exertion she’d just gone through, Becca rolled over to check her phone. Curiosity getting the best of her.

Nothing. 

Not a word or a symbol. 

With the cloak of darkness, Becca let out three small tears; one for every time they crossed the line. One for Miami. One for the first time, and one for the last. Once she dried her eyes on the pillow case she cuddled closer to Rafael’s arm under her head, his body a few inches away and angled away from her. She tried desperately to let his warmth lull her to a somber sleep. Rafael Aviero was a sweet boy who would make her happy for now; the Superman Complex encompassing him was comforting to say the least. 

Both young adults had demons the other’s embrace could shield momentarily. 

***

Becca woke up to rustling and warm rays of light flooding through the gap in her curtain. Her eyes fluttered open to see Raf stealthy putting his clothes back on. 

“Morning,” she smiled, still drunk with sleep. It took a while but Becca was finally able to find enough solace to rest. 

“Good morning,” Raf smiled back. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” 

She shook her head, watching him put on the last of his clothes. “Leaving so soon?” she asked with furrowed brows. 

“Bec, it’s 11:30 - it’s practically lunchtime,” he said with a slight chuckle, pointing to her clock on the wall above her desk. 

She happily stretched her naked body across her bed before snuggling up to an abandoned pillow, “I haven’t slept this late in ages.” 

Rafael was lacing up his boots when he asked, “How’re you feeling?” 

“Better. Thank you,” she said sincerely. 

Becca did feel better. For a few hours she didn’t think about anything. She had someone holding her at night and a beautiful sunny day ahead. She wasn’t paged in the middle of the night meaning all her patients successfully made it through another day. The world didn’t end. Things could be okay. 

“Anytime,” he responded. “Sorry to sneak out. I have plans with a friend from high school at 1,” he explained the reason for his sudden exit. 

Becca snuggled further into her pillow, a small reassuring smile on her lips, “That's okay. Have a nice time.” 

He smiled back once more, putting on his jacket and leaving her alone with her thoughts. There are no words to accurately explain the feeling that took up residency in Becca’s chest once she heard the second door close from across the apartment. Her chest was now hollow, drained of all happiness and feeling. Her head became overstuffed with thoughts fighting for dominance. She couldn’t focus properly as she got ready for her shift. Her body was off balance; her mind, heart and muscles screaming for completely different reasons. There would be no equilibrium. 

Letting them get the best of her she texted him, 

  
Becca: **_Hope you made it there safe._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! i would love to know what you think. 
> 
> tumblr: https://catchinglikekerosene.tumblr.com/post/620739570592579584/trials-tribulations-ch-3


	4. Me Without You

For almost two weeks Becca left him texts and voicemails at various times of the day - anything she could think of to reach him. She needed an explanation.  _ Things were good _ , she thought. Why would he up and leave without saying a word? Weren’t they in a better place now?  _ Why did he go? _

They’d slept together a few days ago, breaking down every sacred barrier of professionalism they’ve erected since Miami. It was an initial shock for them to be on the same team come the fall but they could work though it. They were stronger than this. They’ve been through so many secrets together how could they not? 

By day 9 Becca had long left the shock of abandonment behind and just needed to hear his voice, rationale be damned. His voicemail lulled her to sleep most nights when Rafael couldn’t come over to help numb the pain. The short curt message was so distinctly  _ him _ ; 

“Dr. Ethan Ramsey. Leave a voicemail or call 911 if it’s an emergency.” 

She’d always hung up right before the beep. Becca was embarrassed by how many times she called each day yet was more embarrassed to have him hear the desperation in her voice. As silly as she felt, it’s like a piece of her had gone missing. Eight weeks was a long time to pine after someone who ran away.  _ More like an entire year…  _ She had him once, why was he pushing her away again? 

After catching him leaving their apartment that fateful morning after her ethics hearing, Elijah and Sienna held onto Becca’s deepest secret. They saw no need to start drama within their group after everything that has happened, especially for one briefly passionate weekend. 

However short-lived, it was the most freeing three days of Rebecca Lao’s life. It felt right,  _ he _ felt right.  _ Why doesn’t he feel the same way?  _

_ Ugh I can’t keep thinking of him. _

Becca pushed him to the back of her mind every single time he popped into it, forcing herself to focus on her patients and the little distraction known as her friends. Dr. Rebecca Lao was determined to move on, her completely decimated heart be damned. 

***

At 1:12PM on that ninth afternoon Becca snuck back to the locker room and sent him another text, 

**Please let me know you’re okay.**

She huffed as she shoved her phone deep into her coat pocket, ready to go on lunch and wallow in her misery. 

For the last seven days Becca hadn’t worn a lick of makeup. She couldn’t bring herself to keep up appearances. Anyone could see the cracks through her painted face, so what’s the point in putting all the effort into it? She wore the bags under her eyes proudly a reminder that, albeit everything, she’s still alive and capable of thriving. Her greasy brown hair was pulled back in a haphazard bun and baby strands flying carelessly around her forehead, she hadn’t felt like washing it in a few days. Her eyes were dull. Nothing really sparked the fire in them anymore. No one was pushing her to reach past her potential anymore. 

_ I can’t wait to spend all day in bed tomorrow. Maybe I’ll actually take a relaxing bath…  _

“Ah, Dr. Lao!” she heard the chipper and lively voice of Naveen call a few feet ahead of her. She looked up from her fixated gaze on the stark white linoleum and to the old doctor bounding happily towards her with his cane. “How are you?” 

“I’m fine, thank you for asking,” she responded trying not to meet his inquisitive eyes. “How have you been?” 

The question was simple enough. It was obligatory small talk in most circles however here and now they held a deeper meaning. Rebecca couldn’t have been the only one taking His departure roughly. 

“Hanging in there,” he told her honestly with newly darkened eyes, and she gave him a sad smile back. Naveen extended an olive branch to the only other person that would understand, “Would you care to join me for lunch?” 

“I’d like that, yeah.” 

“Wonderful,” he beamed “I’ll meet you in the atrium in 15 minutes?” 

Beca forced a small smile, “It’s a date.” 

Naveen and Becca sat at a table at one of his favorite local Indian restaurants near the hospital. During the fifteen minute drive over, the man raved about the chutney and how the family-run establishment was one of the only ones with a proper heat meter - “not like conservative dishes you’d find at chains”. 

The two pleasantly spoke of their last few days as if they were two lifelong friends despite only knowing one another for a few months. Once the waiter brought over their meals she finally let herself ask the question causing hives at the back of her neck, “Have you heard from him?” 

Naveen moved the rice around his plate to mix with his lamb curry and took a deep breath; he knew this was coming. 

“He sent me an email once he got there,” he said as evenly as he could manage. “I’m sure he’s fine. Ethan’s tough.” Naveen wished he could ease the woes he’s seen pass the young resident’s features ever since that day of the announcement. But his loyalty towards his makeshift son outweighed conflict in his heart.  _ There was a reason Ethan didn’t tell her and I must respect it. However misplaced.  _ With a slight smile he tried to reassure her instead, “Surely enough, no matter his rank, he would have taken control and whipped everyone into shape. He’ll be back home to us soon enough.” 

_ Email? _ She didn’t think of that…  _ God, He  _ is _ an old man. _

Her attention was fixed on the salad in front of her, pushing the leaves one over the other. “I jus -” There were so many questions she needed answers to. If anyone knew Him well enough to help her speculate his motives it would be his most dearest friend. Her voice was small as she continued, “Why didn’t he tell me?” It took a lot of strength to keep her voice from cracking. 

Her stormy eyes finally lifted to meet warm brown. The deep marks of age on his dark brown features arched downwards in sympathy. He set his fork down by his plate and dabbed the corners of his mouth, preparing to ease the mind of this doleful girl. 

“He told me he applied the moment he quit but didn’t expect to hear back. It was a wishful thought; he never would be able to stay retired long. We have that in common, him and I. As for why he didn’t tell you I can only speculate.” The older doctor tried to keep his features impartial and failed. “The boy has a one track mind sometimes; when he puts his mind to it nothing will stop him until he’s reached the desired outcome.” 

She’s seen Him exhibit that kind of behavior before and gave Naveen a sad smile back in recognition. 

Naveen reached across the table to cover her hand with his. “He’s been through a lot in life and hasn’t always been the best with feelings. But when you know him long enough, and get to know his expressions, it’s easy to see something...” the Chief of Medicine chose his words carefully, “ _ intimate _ has become of you two.” 

Normally Becca would have scoffed at the insinuation, but now she just couldn’t bring herself to react. Naveen’s words were settling in - she knew He had scars from his childhood that he didn’t dare talk about. She knew He was closed off and an acquired taste. And she knew Naveen was half-right. 

Sadly she replied, “I don’t think there’s anything between us.” 

Naveen didn’t want to argue, he could see through the broken girl in front of him and his heart ached for them both. 

Rightfully he changed the subject, “Are you working on any exciting cases?” 

“Not as exciting as they are unfortunate,” she shrugged, picking at the salad. “I have a young girl with leukemia and a patient on dialysis with pneumonia. I’m not sure either of them will pull through.” 

“If you need any help, I’m only a page away.” His gaze cascaded a sense of comforting warmth over her. “You’re not just my grandmentee, you’re family.” 

She was happy to have Naveen in her corner but couldn’t help wondering if the offer was conditionally tied to  _ him _ . 

“Thank you.” 

“Thank you for joining me,” Naveen acknowledged, “I say we make this a routine thing!” 

For the first time in a long time the corners of her lips perked up, “I’d like that.” 

That evening she sent him an email; 

**_Hey,_ **

**_I know you’re kicking ass down there (you know I mean the outbreak, please don’t punch anyone!), but I hope you’re being safe. I had lunch with Naveen today, he’s really worried about you. We miss you. Please please please let us know you’re okay. I’m still mad at you for leaving but I’ll forgive you if you just please talk to me. If I did something wrong, I’m sorry. I just want to know that you’re alive and well. Even if you don’t want to talk to me, please keep Naveen updated._ **

**_See you soon,_ **

**_R x_ **

***

“Roo-mie Bar Crawl. Roo-mie Bar Crawl.” Sienna chanted from the middle of their living room. The gang was all dressed up and ready to let loose after a really harrowing week on the job. 

Becca hadn’t contacted Him since that first and last email three days ago. She made her peace with it. After days of trying, a deep conversation with Naveen, and receiving absolutely nothing in return for her efforts, she settled on the assumption that He was ghosting her. Her heart ached but she didn’t want to let the heartbreak consume her. Instead she’d find other distractions. 

Those distractions came in the form of Rafael, Bryce, and Sienna. Each friend mended a different part of her tattered heart. Sienna took care of her by way of baked goods, forcing her to talk about her feelings and retail therapy - Becca needed a bit of mothering in these last few days, especially since she didn’t have a close relationship with her birth mother. Bryce was her feel-good companion, he’d take her out for a drink or an excursion, anything he could possibly do to have her smile reach her eyes once again. Lastly, Rafael helped take care of her intimately - although he’s been M.I.A. the last week… 

The group congregated in their shared living room, ready to go. Becca sat on the sofa next to Bryce as he helped lace up her heels. Sienna chanted once again and everyone cheered a response. Once more Elijah listed off items and everyone patted their pockets and their bags. Phone? Check. Wallet? Check. ID? Check.

“Is Raf not coming?” Becca asked as they paraded through the hallway. 

“No, he’s got plans with his girlfriend,” Jackie said matter-of-factly. 

Becca's footsteps fell behind her friend ever so slightly.  _ What!? _

“Really? When’d that happen?” 

Jackie retorted like it wasn’t the most important bit of information, “I don’t know, recently?” 

“She’s his childhood sweetheart,” Kyra piped in. “Just moved back and they’ve been on a few dates.  _ Very _ romantic.” 

Becca bit her lip, “Yeah… good for them.” 

There were so many questions racing through her mind. They had just slept together for the fifth and seemingly final time less than 2 weeks ago. Was Becca the other woman? No matter the questions there’s just one thing Becca couldn’t shake; 

_ I’ve gone and thrown myself at another man who doesn’t want me.  _

She was determined to have a good time regardless of the mountain of rejection forming at her core.  _ Good thing alcohol’s the best medicine…  _ She was prepared to spend the next few hours looming in her chaos, choosing reckless behavior instead of facing her feelings.

***

The group pregamed at Donohues for happy hour, choosing to spend their most coherent of hours in a familiar place. They downed 2-for-1 tequila shots each and played a round of darts until the board began to move. Becca did all she could to keep from staring at the empty far corner of the bar. Every time she did she took another shot. 

Then the residents made their way to a dive bar for cheap drinks. It was a small hole-in-the-wall place with not enough space for the large group. Bryce and Kyra went in to grab the first and only round bringing it out to the side of the building where everyone else was waiting. The sun had now fully set and the group was getting cold. To warm up Jackie suggested they chugged. 

Fifteen minutes later they ended up at a sports bar and grabbed some quick grub. Elijah was drawn to the TV playing a game Becca couldn’t care less about. Her and Bryce shared a plate of nachos and a double cheeseburger with onion rings. Sienna gave a side eye at how close her two friends were becoming. After the third bar the group started to fan out, Aurora and Kyra headed home needing a solid seven hours of sleep to be functional. 

Feeling the buzz and forgetting about Raf, they powered on! On their way to the club the group passed an Irish pub with music blasting. They accepted the inevitable detour and danced in the middle of the floor to the house fiddle band. Everyone had one drink before Sienna, Jackie and Elijah bowed out afterwards overcome with exhaustion. 

The last two troops gave one another a devious smirk and headed to the club arm in arm. 

Bryce and Becca held off on drinks feeling full of life from the last few rounds and put off by the elite pricing. He grabbed her hand and led her onto the technicolor floor. They danced and danced to song after song. Occasionally she’d turn around and he'd hold her flush to his chest. The sensation releasing copious amounts of serotonin and oxytocin. 

At one point she was sandwiched between Bryce and another hopeless stranger. It seemed the two men wanted to outlast the other. She found the determined glimmer in her friend’s eye so amusing. Becca turned away from the poor stranger and back to Bryce, the two men calling a silent truce. He raised his eyebrows and she mouthed “stay”. He moved in closer and kissed her temple causing the nameless hopeful to storm away. 

They stayed. They danced. They drank. 

Bryce leaned over to speak into her ear, “That guys totally checking you out.” 

She cocked her head to see a dark skinned stranger in well-tailored clothes eyeing them. 

“Maybe he’s checking  _ you _ out,” she sneered. 

Bryce’s contagious and magnificent smile lit up his face, “He’s definitely trying to figure out if we’re together.” 

She made a show of rolling her eyes. 

Pointing over his shoulder he said, “I’m gonna go get us another round.” 

The mystery stranger used that as an opportunity. 

“Hey,” his tenor voice smooth and unconflicted. 

The stranger wasn’t much taller than Becca. He had dark olive skin, enchanting amber eyes, a buzz cut which is so different from her type - she liked a man with locks she could latch on to. His shallow beard accented his chiseled jaw. He wore a navy blue v-neck that drew the attention to the defined muscles beneath. He was a small man compared to those she surrounded herself with, and was a stark contrast to what she was attracted to. And maybe, just maybe he could help her forget for a minute. 

“Hey,” Becca said back, scanning the crowd over the man’s shoulder for Bryce’s return. 

Before she knew it she was bumped in the back and tumbling towards the handsome stranger. Bryce was the culprit walking hand in hand with another girl he picked up at the bar as he shot his friend an encouraging wink.

The stranger nodded over to Bryce’s retreating form, “Looks like you’ve been dumped.” 

“I’ve been abandoned by my friend,” she clarified. Becca’s eyes locked with the olive strangers and shrugged, “Guess I’m in the market for some company.” 

He raised his eyebrows and they both moved to close the distance, letting the air around them take control. His thin hand moved to her waist while one of hers laid to rest on his taut forearm. They moved in unison. She kissed the stranger fiercely for what felt like hours in the middle of the club, their tongues battling for dominance. His left hand trailed up to her hair and the right settled on the skin at the small of her back to keep her flush to him. When they came up for air he asked Becca to go home with him. 

Without hesitation she said she’d meet him at the bar in five. 

Sitting in the dirty bathroom she couldn’t believe what she was doing. She was intoxicated, alone and willing to go home with just about anyone that would give her the time of day?  _ No. _ She was stronger than this. She shouldn’t succumb to this. She wasn’t desperate enough to do this.

But the alcohol took over. 

She regretted the decision immediately. 

After all this time she never expected a response. 

First with a text,  **Are you ok?**

_ Why now?  _ She thought as she stood in the dingy bathroom watching the notification flash over her lockscreen.

She fled. 

Becca shoved her phone deep in her pocket and retreated back to the commotion as fast she could. She scanned the room briefly looking for Bryce but spotted the stranger moving onto his next conquest. She reached the base of the stairs, her phone incessantly vibrating. She pulled it out to see the same message sent a second time. Against her better judgment she typed back; 

**Not at all.**

Within seconds, flashing across the phone screen was the name she longed for. 

**_Incoming: Ethan Ramsey_ **

She didn’t have a chance to say anything as she made her way outdoors before he asked in a low and stoic voice, “Where are you?” 

“Where are  _ you?”  _

“Rebecca…” 

She wanted to hang up so badly. But his voice… How she missed his voice. And he was there. He sees her messages - he called because he  _ cares _ . Well that’s what she told herself. Why else would he finally respond after all these days? 

Her words were caught in her throat - she had so many things she wanted to say to him - to ask him, but nothing came out. She was rendered mute between the embarrassment and opportunity. 

“Becca are you still there?” 

She had to open and close her mouth a few times before the words manifested on her tongue. “Right where… you left me,” she whispered more to herself than anything. 

_ He left. He left me.  _

The two ex-lovers were silent, the load of everything she’s had to bottle up finally taking its toll and Becca started to sob. All of the feelings she’d tried to box away and shrug off came crashing down. Ethan Ramsey broke her heart. He let her into his world outside of Edenbrook and vice versa. She let herself fall for him and it became detrimental, a derailment to every hope she started residency with. 

Another person she considered close had betrayed her. 

Another man had disappointed and abandoned her. 

Becca never talked much about her past, gently refusing to confront the heartache her father caused her, what Landry had done to her, how Rafael avoided her and how her idol, her mentor and lover abandoned her. The culmination broke her. 

She dropped to the curb, her vision impaired by her tears. She let her face fall in her left hand and clutched the phone in her right to her ear. One word kept running through her mind as she completely fell apart on a dim Boston street at an ungodly hour of the evening, praying that the son-of-a-bitch on the other end of the line would put her at ease; 

_ Pathetic.  _

“Bec-” 

She hung up the phone.


End file.
